Oct 4, 2006
Dating vs. Courting
Dating vs. Courting, it seems like one of the main points of discussion in the Christian world today. In my view, dating is an unintelligent thing to do. Firstly, it is defrauding. Meaning that if one does not do it with the intent of marriage, false hopes could be raised only to be dashed when a couple 'breaks up'. Secondly, it can be very tempting. Usually, dating includes three things in the Christian dating arena: hugging, holding of hands, and spending a lot of time together. These things can tighten a physical relationship which, before marriage, is a bad thing to do. On the other hand, courting is with the intent of marriage. It does not defraud, (I say this with the meaning of most of the time) and if done correctly, it is a "no patty fingers if you please" (the Quiet Man) kind of relationship. Overall, as the Bible gives no direct command here, I believe the courting is the more godly way to go. In summary, I would like to share a rather sad story that emphasizes my view. My cousin was unofficially engaged to a girl who dated a man during high school. When she started to date my cousin, her ex-boyfriend was not too happy, and ended her life in murder. Now, I am not second-guessing the past, nor am I questioning God's sovereignty, but is it possible, that if this girl had waited until after high school, when she could marry, if she had not allowed this man to get emotionally attached to her, could it be that she would be alive? All this happened 5-6 years ago, but it recently hit home that dating may not only be an emotional risk, but also a real physical risk. I have purposed in my heart to wait for the man God has intended for, I have decided that courting is the best way to do it. To sum it up by Scripture "Keep your heart with all diligence for out of it springs the issues of life."
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7 comments:
Thanks K =)
Hi Brooke, I really like your new blog, and the thoughtful posts you have written.
My answer was kind of long, but I guess I'll post it here if you don't mind, and you can print in then delete it or something!
"Do you believe that it is okay for a female to go to college, if you need to become something? (doctor, lawyer) Or do you think that it is best for a woman to stay in the home?"
That’s a good question, and I’ll try to share my perspective. The Bible doesn’t mention "college" of course, so it is hard to know exactly where to draw the line, so I’ll admit I am not certain about everything regarding college. However, the Bible is clear that women are to be helpmeets to their own husbands, and to guide the home. You can ask if you want to know more about something that I am unclear on.
I don’t think it is necessarily wrong for a woman to go to college, but there are some serious contentions against such. Following, I’ll list a few.
One, it would be hard to stay accountable to the authority in her life, usually a father. Living at home while going to college is an obvious preference, but usually the best Christian colleges aren’t near home.
Two, if it is for a skill that can be used once she is married, there are probably better ways to learn it, closer to home; and better ways to apply the skill than in a career away from home. Of course, it it possible to learn something in college, then use it from the home until marriage and maybe after marriage. But if marriage is the goal, which is a noble calling in the Bible, then it might be more prudent to spend one’s time of singleness in something that more directly will help her once she is married.
Three, having one’s own career not linked to the pursuits of one’s family, is entirely contrary to the examples of women in the Bible. Becoming a doctor or a lawyer pretty much ensures a separate career, that one will want to spend many years in, in order to make the time and cost of the education worthwhile. I don’t believe that women "need to become" doctors or lawyers—those are callings for men.
Now, on the other hand, knowledge and higher learning is a wonderful thing, provided it is achieved in a way that honor’s God plan for women, and specifically, one’s own calling. Something many women are starting to do is distance learning, or short-term learning away from home (a week or a few months) in an area of interest, or even apprenticeship with other women or friends who are seamstresses, photographers, chefs, midwives, etc. It is excellent to be educated in different skills and fields of study, as preparation for working with a husband, teaching children, having a home business, and more. I would say, usually for women, this can be gotten in a place other than college. If college seems necessary, it starts to sound more like a career than a skill, and careers do not fit well with God’s plan for marriage.
You mentioned staying at home. Yes, I love being at home, and homes can be places of so many entrepreneurial, ministry, educational, evangelistic, and industrious activities. I don’t think home-centeredness for a woman has to mean always being at home, though. There can be help to a husband, service in the church, assistance to the needy and neighbors, other places of ministry, working alongside other Christians, and so much more! Husbands do better if they have a wife who is not off pursuing her own goals. School-age children do better if they have a mother who is with them all the time, raising them and teaching them.
Did you look at Melissa Keen’s article that I linked to? She has another good answer, about tailoring education specifically to your own goals. Also, this blog, http://www.lydiahayden.blogspot.com a young woman I know, has been having lengthy conversations about this same topic: scroll down the page a bit. I thought this secular article in Forbes magazine had an interesting point about careers, as well. (the left column) http://www.forbes.com/home/2006/08/23/Marriage-Careers-Divorce_cx_mn_land.html
"There is only one valid reason that a young woman should attend college. And it has nothing to do with getting an education. Nothing to do with getting a good job. Nothing to do with making more money. Indeed, the only reason she should attend college is if God makes it clear that by so doing she will be able to most effectively grow in her knowledge and understanding of Scripture and in her relationship with Jesus Christ. For, if this is her first priority, God has promised to meet all of her physical needs, (Matthew 6:33) and to direct her paths, (Proverbs 3:5-6) which would include preparing her to be a helpmeet to her future husband." –Lydia’s blog
"…Rather than attending a college where we would spend thousands of dollars for four years to maybe learn one year’s worth of what we wanted to learn and a lifetime of what we didn’t want to learn, we chose to stay home, under our parents’ direction, for further teaching. In making this choice, we’ve both been able to choose interest-directed studies, encouraged by our parents’ direction. We haven’t had to study false philosophies. We haven’t had to study to meet bizarre government requirements. We haven’t had to waste our time being who a college thinks we should be rather than who God has called us to be or who our parents have raised us to be."—Melissa’s article
I have one friend who got her bachelor’s degree from a correspondence school, and is now getting her master’s in music at a local conservatory. She loves studying, and loves music. She plays her harp for weddings almost every weekend, and is working on writing a curriculum. All of these activities would fit well if she got married—either dropping them easily, or continuing them from home.
Another friend has studied costume pattern drafting from home and at conferences, she has her own sewing business, and also helps neighbors and her family on their farms. She has numerous babysitting jobs, and is very involved with teaching classes for children in their church. She has had the flexibility to accompany friends on trips to babysit their children, and she has gone on a long mission trip.
Those are just a couple different examples. I hope that helps a little at least! Let me know what you think!
God bless you,
Renee
Hi Renee!
Good to hear from you! I appreciate you taking the time to answer me. What do I think? Well, I agree that maraige is a women's highest calling. Homemaking is something all women should know how to do. I appreciated all the examples you gave of women who are pursuing homemaking. Correspondeance school sounds like a great idea! Because then a girl is still under her father's headship. But I was wondering, do think that marraige is the only calling a women can have? (vs. singleness I mean.) What if deep down in her heart a woman thinks that God could use her best as a single? I heartly agree that, when married, a women should be at home and when single, she should be under authority, but what about when she is single? For instance, I hope to pursue law in some way. I don't intend to become a lawyer mind you but something with which I could be in a support role. (i.e. paralegal) Now, I know this isn't preparing for marraige, (unless I marry a lawyer =) but would you think, if a woman was ready to marry both in her conduct and in her skills, but until she got married she pursued other things? I guess that was a pretty long response...oh well. =) This is what I'm thinking. What do you think? Again, thank you for replying. =) Are you going to help with the next Koopman letter distributation?
I hope you are doing well!
BRooke
Renee,
In addition...
I've done some Bible study on this subject especially in 1 Cor. 7:25+. It appears in this passage that being single is not a bad thing if one can exercise self-control and godliness. However, I can't seem to find a place in the New Testament that talks about what a godly profession would be if a girl did stay single, do you know of any? The only thing I came close to was in one of the Timothy's (or was it Titus) that talked about being a keeper at home. Although that did seem to be in the context of marraige. It does seem to be constant through the Scriptures that a girl should stay under the leadership of her father/church if not married and that would be much easier to do if one stayed at home, but do you think it would be all together impossible to do away from home? In any case I would conceed that a girl moving away some where (except the mission field) alone w/out authority would be a bad thing. Thoughts? Sorry all this is kind of disorganized!
I hope that one conference in Helena goes well! Thanks for thinking of us. I would've like to go, but alas I was scheduled to work that weekend, but I hope you will say something about it on your blog.
thanks, Brooke
Hi Brooke,
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I hope you still get this comment. I agree with what you said--I don't have all the answers for what a woman should do if she stays single for life or for longer than usual. I don't think marriage is the only calling for women, for some never get married, but have vibrant ministries. Have you heard of Nancy Leigh DeMoss? I guess I still wouldn't go against the normal things of being under direct male authority, etc. that are applicable for marriage. I know if I didn't get married by a certain time, but had finished all the studying I wanted to do, I would have to find some other business or ministry to be involved in, but that time has not come yet.
I don't know what I would do with the interests you have--justice, law, etc. Those are wonderful things to be interested in, and there is a need for Christians to speak to those things. I'm sure there is some way to be involved in it while keeping to the standards and priorities you have.
Keep faithfully doing what God has given you to do right now, tell Him of your desires, pursue learning about those subjects as much as you can, and wait to see how He will work things out for you!
P.s. I did do a post about the conference in Helena, that should give you an idea of what we learned.
Hi Renee,
yes, I have heard of Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Thanks for your thoughts! You have so many good ones! Indeed I'm sure there are ways to pursue my interests in a God-pleasing manner. Getting involved in ministry is a great idea. It's a comfort to know if one's heart is willing, God will work out the details.
I look foward to reading about the conference!
Thanks, Brooke
Oops, made a spelling error on that last one. =)
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